Wellness update

Have a few medical things going on. Kellen's birthday is Sunday. I will be back to blogging on Monday I hope... with my laptop back in perfect order :-)

Biggest Loser - Week 2

I was hoping to save this rant for later in the season, but the Biggest Loser is back at it, so early and so often, that this deserves its own post, up front.

I HATE the product placements in the show. If the Biggest Loser producers don't think we're smart enough to see through it, they misjudge us. Well, they misjudge me. I can't speak for the rest of America.

My issue isn't really that the product placements are in the middle of the show. Or that they are so poorly crafted. My BIG issue is that I KNOW that Jillian and Bob don't actually endorse those products nor do the contestants use them on the show (with the exception of maybe the protein powder). My issue used to be that the products they were endorsing weren't healthy, and I just couldn't believe that Bob and Jillian would actually support that in a weight loss plan. SUGAR FREE JELLO. Are you kidding me? I haven't written about my feelings about fake sugar yet, but I kind of feel like anything that's made in a factory shouldn't go into my body.

But I've heard Jillian talk enough now to know that she doesn't support these products either. And I've read her book, Master Your Metabolism, which I really recommend. She always says what I believe, "If it doesn't have a mom or come from the ground, don't eat it." So how can she be on national television, telling overweight America to eat Sugar Free Jello? (I know there are other products, but that's what comes to mind right now.) Furthermore, there is evidence to suggest that storing your food in plastic bags leaches Estrogen into your food and that you are much better off storing it in glass (I *think* she mentions this in her book, but I'm not sure), so what is she doing endorsing Glad products?

I understand Hollywood. I understand corporate America. But I also think that if you truly believe in something, you need to be unwilling to compromise on basic principles of what you believe in (and make your living off of). Let someone else endorse Glad. Let someone else champion Sugar Free jello. Because while people may understand that it's a product spot in the middle of their show, they actually just might believe that you are telling them it's GOOD for them when you and I know better.

With that said, way to go on kicking Week Two's Butt. And Bob and Jillian, question: Why will you have to take a hit week 3? Why not keep training this way and delaying the hit another week? That's what you get paid the big bucks (by the corporate sponsors) to do.

My weigh-in schedule

I either have to weigh myself EVERYDAY or I refuse to weigh myself at all. I have no happy medium. If I'm not being particularly careful about what I eat, I won't weigh myself. If I am being extra careful, I am neurotic about it, weighing myself several times a day, even though I know it will change based on what I'm wearing and what I've eaten.

If I lose a pound or two, it is a great motivator. I find myself working extra hard, thinking that if only I can keep up *this* weight loss I can be such and such weight by such and such date (I've done this before).

If I gain a pound or two, though, it is an incredible defeat, and it can cause me to almost give up. THAT DIDN'T WORK, I might yell at the scale. But I ate so good and worked out for almost two hours!

So I am going to a twice a week weigh-in. It's a healthy compromise, I think. Wednesday and Sunday. For now the scale is "hidden" in the bottom drawer in my closet.

Favorite Clothes

Finding clothes that fit right is a challenge for a lot of people I think. For my mom it's finding jeans that are long enough. For me it's finding shirts that are long enough. Not only have I always carried weight in my stomach, I also have a really long torso. I've always worn Larges even when I was a lot smaller to account for the length.

As I've gained weight, finding clothes has been even harder. I don't like Lane Bryant, mostly because there is something shameful to me about walking into a plus size store in the mall. I also don't like "Women's" sections in department stores. 1X swallows me up. And most of the clothes aren't flattering AT ALL. I don't need to look like a Valentine gone wrong with the lace and the frills. I want form fitting, flattering clothes.

I started looking online, and I have found a couple of stores that I really like. Kiyonna is one of them, based in NYC. Their clothes are definitely more expensive, but they hold up really well, and they look nice. The only thing I don't like is that a lot of their clothes look the same from season to season, so it's definitely a store you need to get a couple of staples from and then buy from other stores.

Cherished-Woman is another store I like, although I hate the name. I'm not that impressed with their website either, but their clothes hold up really well, and they are also flattering instead of mu-mu and frumpy.

Wii Fit

I have an interesting relationship with the Wii Fit. The night of the fire, we had been out buying them for Dan to sell on eBay. The reason we weren't home when it started was because we had to make one more trip back to Fred Meyer to buy the remaining systems. Dan's cousin said so.

Not long after the fire, we decided to buy one. We were overwhelmed with the details of insurance and trying to put together a nursery for a baby that was coming too soon. But we needed something to do that was fun, light, entertaining. So we bought the Wii Fit.

When you first get on the Wii Fit, it does a body profile. At nine months pregnant, I was officially a WHALE. My character was obese. And the nice people at Wii Fit make your Mii representative of your weight. Only they didn't know I was pregnant, so instead of having a pregnant belly, I got to look like a bowling ball with a head (as opposed to one with a head and legs!). And those balance games at nine months pregnant?! Laughable!

It's been a long time since then and now, and we've just pulled the Wii Fit back out. Thankfully I've lost some of the pregnancy weight, though not all of it. Because of the carpet, the Wii now thinks I am about 40 pounds lighter than I really am and has categorized me simply as Overweight. It's amazing how big of a boost that is to my self-image. My Mii is also a little less portly, and to be honest, a better representation of my actual shape. Until I had my son, most doctors were surprised by my weight because I didn't look as heavy as I was. I carry it well, as sad as that is. I suppose that means it's well hidden between my liver and my gallbladder. And don't even go there with muscle weighs more than fat. Can we all say B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T together?! (I mean I get that it does, but there's a point at which that is a moo(t) point.)

Back to the Wii Fit. I love this thing. I think I like it because it allows me to compete and work out. I need to compete on an individual level though. I never did well at team sports. I could play all day, for hours, to beat Dan's score on some ridiculous balance game. This is also the reason why I love Dance, Dance Revolution, though I am really sad that I lost my saved scores in the fire. (I was so good at that, I would play it in my sleep, no joke.)

The one thing I could do without, though, is the "Uhgfff" sound that the machine makes when I step on the balance board. I mean, I get it when I was pregnant. I kind of felt that way myself. But is that really necessary? Why don't they just say, "Welcome back fat cow?"

I HATE running

I quit playing soccer when I was seven because I hated to run. I was actually good too.

I have since tried to pick it back up, but really, I HATE running.

Runners are fit, fast, admired. I am slow, breathless, tired.

I've tried the treadmill, the road, the beach, pavement. When I lost weight in high school, it was from running, albeit, slow running. When I went away to college, I joined the soccer team because they didn't have enough players. I was slow. It irritated them.

I was supposed to run a 5K this fall, but our family spent the summer passing around illness. It's also hard to run with a stroller. I did learn a thing or two about using my arms to power my jog. But I still HATE running.

I've decided that running should be reserved for really dire circumstances, like being chased by a bear. Seeing as that isn't likely anytime soon, I think I'll stick to walking. I really like walking.

Friday Five

Five reasons I want to lose weight.

1. I want to take pictures with my family. I avoid pictures so much now, and I hate that there are so few pictures of my son and me. I want to look at pictures and see myself happy.

2. I want to be able to buy the clothes I love, not just the clothes that come in my size. Granted, most clothes run in an XL and in a size 16, but they are made for a size 0, which we've already established I won't be anytime soon. They aren't cut for me. I like some plus-size clothes, which I'll post about later, but I hate having to buy them.

3. I don't want to be judged by my weight. People think I eat poorly, which I don't. People think that I must be lying, which I'm not. I hate that I am judged by my weight.

4. I want to be comfortable in a bathing suit. I love the water, and I want to be able to go swimming without be self-conscious.

5. I want to prove that I can do it. For so long I've said that I just can't lose the weight, that my body is just built this way (and to some extent that's true). But I want to lose weight. And if I can, you can.

Flawed

I stood on the scale in the wide open gym, exposed. I had been able to hide my weight from almost everyone, and now I had to weigh in with my entire class. In Virginia, where I had lived most of my life, the annual school weigh in was done discretely in the nurse's office. Here, in Idaho, it was done in front of the class. 105 pounds. I remember one of my classmates, a fellow 10 year old, gasping and then commenting aloud that I weighed over 100 pounds. It was, at the very least, embarrassing. It was also a moment cemented in my mind, a reminder that I was the fat girl and that my weight could bring me shame. It didn't matter that I was the smartest girl in my class or that I had friends. I was fat, FLAWED.

I have always been a bit of a perfectionist. I was a straight A student growing up (except for a blip in high school where an obsession with friends and boys took over). I also wanted to be the best at everything (still do). I was behind on a reading contest at school, and instead of accepting second place, I stayed up one night and read and read and read and read and had my grandmother sign off on all of my books. If I couldn't be the best, I quit because I was a bad loser (still am). But when it came to my weight, I couldn't win (maybe because there is no win or lose). It was something that controlled me.

And I've allowed that "flaw" to define me. If I couldn't control my weight, then I must be flawed. It doesn't matter that I'm good at anything else because I've allowed myself to be the fat girl. I assume that no one else sees my achievements, only my weight. And by doing so, I define myself by my weight. And I allow others to do the same. But I am not good or bad, successful or unsuccessful because of some numbers on a scale or the size of my clothes (currently a 16). I'm just me.

The Biggest Loser - Week 1

I am so excited that the Biggest Loser is back. While I like many reality shows, I love how inspired I am by this show.

And this season is no different. I teared up every time the story about the car accident was on. I cannot even imagine how devastating that would be. And I thought Jillian was human (just maybe) when she teared up about it (and then I remembered her yelling at me through my TV screen on the Shred).

When I watch these people lose weight, it really makes me feel like it's possible. And then I remember that I already work out and that walking or running a mile is currently attainable. And I remember that I eat vegetables and lean meats and don't load up on junk food. The year they showed someone eating a whole box of pasta and an entire jar of alfredo sauce (I think it might have been a couple of jars), I nearly threw up.

My mom and I were talking about my weight earlier this week, and she commented that my step-dad believes that I must be secretly eating something because there is no way my body would just naturally maintain an extra eighty (I hate that number, by the way) pounds. I wish it was that easy. I wish I could cut out snacks and alcohol and have the weight melt off. But that isn't going to be me.

So while the Biggest Loser contestants put up 12 pound losses each week, I'm shooting for 2-3. But I am excited. I think this is going to be a great, life changing season.

THE picture

I'm sure everyone has taken an unflattering picture of themselves. And I'm sure for some those pictures are a catalyst for change.

I used to love pictures. But now I hate them. The person in those pictures isn't the person I see in the mirror. I don't recognize the fat arms or the double chin. I certainly don't recognize the tire around my waist. And yet, that is me. And it's probably the me that others see.

For me, this is the picture that I hate. And it's the one I embark on this journey to change.

My diet

Anyone who knows me would tell you that I have a pretty good diet. I've had people say that I eat better than anyone they know. There have been moments in my life when they has been true. I still eat pretty good, but I have made allowances that I wouldn't have before. Like fries. I swore off fries for years, didn't even like them anymore (because really, isn't it more Ketchup that you're eating!), but when the weight wouldn't come off, the french fries came back. And the occasional Kettle Chip. And Annie's Mac and Cheese. I certainly didn't eat them all the time, but I allowed myself to have those foods.

I have tried a lot of diets. My issue with some of them is that they don't focus enough on eating foods that are natural, or as Jillian says, "Have a mother or come from the ground." Isn't that how we were meant to eat? I'm pretty sure that 150 years ago people weren't eating food that was processed in a factory and was made with high fructose corn syrup (which has been mostly out of my diet for many years). I decided that I would try a low carb diet, just to see if it worked.

My family is big. (My dad's side is athletic, but sadly I didn't get those genes.) The only diet I have seen them really successful with is Atkins, which was one of my reasons for going the low-carb route this time. I also like the idea of big numbers coming off quickly. I need that to stay motivated. One pound a week is just cumbersome.

I started last Tuesday, so it's been a week. And I lost six pounds almost immediately. I was hopeful that the trend would continue. But the scale has been stuck for three days now, and I am feeling discouraged. Am I still eating too many carbs? Am I eating enough? Do I have to eat fattier foods?

The Challenge

Recently someone said that they feel like they need a disclaimer when they meet people: "This isn't what I really look like." That's me. Except it is what I look like.

I can easily count the number of months that I have been a "normal" weight, starting from a very young age. In total, it is less than 2 years of my life. Once was when I was a freshman in high school, the other a freshman in college.

When I lost the weight before college I asked my mom how people allowed themselves to get fat. Even though I was overweight in high school, it was only by 25ish pounds. I wondered if there was some point at which you look at yourself and think, "I can't get any fatter." That point came and went for me about 45 pounds ago. I got married as a chubby girl. I got pregnant as a chubby girl. But I don't want to live as that girl. I don't want a disclaimer. I want people to look at me and not immediately see a fat woman.

This is my challenge, and I invite you to join me. This isn't a journey where I will show up at the end a size two. The chances of that happening are about as great as democrats and republicans coming together to create real health care that actually prevents the spread of obesity. But it is my goal to be fit, look healthy, and start living, away from the constant mindset of today is the day to lose the weight.